Skip to content

Something New from the Old (flash fiction)

April 10, 2013

My story’s a bit earlier for this week’s Friday Fictioneers… when I saw the photo prompt of the cool motorcycle sculpture, the following scene came right to mind. Please note that the story is a work of fiction—I don’t know the artist of this sculpture. If you are, please let me know and I’ll include your name in the list of copyrights below the story.

Motorcycle Sculpture from Old Metal

“One of my early pieces,” Linda said, her voice years of cigarettes.

“Beautiful,” Ken said. “You sure found your calling.”

“Yep. Made me finally settle down. Feels good to work with all that scrap. Something new from the old.”

“But you still get out on the road now and then, right?” Sharon asked.

A glint in Linda’s eye like a welding torch firing up. Bright against her deep Saint Augustine, Florida, tan. “Can’t help it.”

“You sure can’t, babe,” James laughed. “Here’s to still ridin’ toward the sun.”

The group of friends raised their beers with rumbles of agreement.

 


Friday Fictioneers prompt given by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields. For other stories inspired by this photo, click here.
Photo copyright Sandra Crook
Story copyright Dave Williams

Advertisements
37 Comments leave one →
  1. April 10, 2013 2:59 pm

    Dave, this seems very real to me, the way a group of friends would sound in real life. This bothers me, though, ” Linda said, her voice years of cigarettes.” I know what you mean and I like the “years of cigarettes” but grammatically it doesn’t work. “Linda rasped through years of cigarettes?” “Linda’s voice rasped through years of cigarettes?” Don’t mean to go all grammar nazi on you, but… “Linda said, voice filtered (ha, ha) through years of cigarettes?” You could make up the words by dropping “St. Augustine” and just saying “Florida tan.”

    OK, enough of that. I don’t mean to detract from your story, only enhance an already good piece.

    janet

    • April 10, 2013 4:03 pm

      Hi Janet – I think it’s a noun phrase and might sneak under the barrier! I enjoy your words comments, and agree & learn most of the time…just here….hmm!

    • April 11, 2013 5:36 am

      I was hoping the dialogue would come through as sounding genuine — I’m glad it sounds real to you! I agree with you that the cigarettes line doesn’t pass the grammar test. And I like your examples of rasped and filtered — both would fit in the sentence and bring it up to solid grammar. Both, though, would smooth out the sentence. I like the clipped sound of “her voice years of cigarettes.” I also write poetry and often ignore grammar for how something sounds or feels to me. Poetry is different than prose, but I do enjoy playing with words in both cases. Thanks for stopping by and reading my story!

  2. April 10, 2013 4:01 pm

    Superb rhythm and pacing in your dialogue. I respect Janet’s words very much, always, but you cannot change that line, which is too beautiful, and anyway is a noun phrase.

    • April 11, 2013 5:40 am

      I didn’t remember learning about a noun phrase, so I had to look it up. Thanks for mentioning that, and I think the sentence fits the bill of a noun phrase (at least my understanding of it from a grammar website). Thanks for reading my story!

  3. April 10, 2013 5:18 pm

    A perfect conversation between friends…love it!

  4. April 10, 2013 6:16 pm

    This is nice, really nice. As in – I’d like to have been there and enjoy the ambiance you created and the friendly companionship between the two! Great job!

  5. April 10, 2013 8:50 pm

    Only good friends can speak with hearts soft and well meaning. This was so evident in the atmosphere you created here; in so few words…!
    Fabulous: Bon bon vie..!

    • April 11, 2013 5:42 am

      I really like writing dialogue, and I’m glad that came through. Thanks!

  6. April 11, 2013 12:55 am

    Support of friends what more can you want? LOL well, except for a glass of beer with them.

  7. camgal permalink
    April 11, 2013 2:21 am

    Lol at Lyn, but it’s true what more can you want or even ask of friends other than their unbiased and unconditional support πŸ™‚ well done

  8. April 11, 2013 4:45 am

    the story made me feel the warmth of friendship πŸ™‚

  9. April 11, 2013 6:55 am

    I felt the camaraderie and I enjoyed how it was written. Cheers Zooky Mate!

  10. April 11, 2013 8:37 am

    Dear Dave,
    You made me feel like I was there among friends. Nice, comfortable piece that flows well.
    Shalom,
    Rochelle

  11. April 11, 2013 9:00 am

    Neat tale, beautifully told.
    Loved it.

  12. April 11, 2013 11:59 am

    This was just so atmospheric – the easy camaraderie of friends came shining through.

  13. April 11, 2013 2:55 pm

    Nicely written Dave, very realistic dialogue and a lovely conclusion. I also got to learn a new term thanks to Managua Gunn (what a cool name that is!) so a rewarding trip all round. πŸ™‚

  14. April 12, 2013 12:06 am

    Nice. I can imagine all the friends sitting around, thinking about the past.

  15. April 12, 2013 2:29 am

    such a nice story and i felt good after reading it. her voice years of cigarettes – liked the description. the dialogue seems very believable too ^^

  16. April 12, 2013 5:49 am

    This little scene is so real! I love the description of the glint in her eyes. Brilliant stuff.

  17. April 12, 2013 6:53 am

    enjoyed the conversation here. a perfect story for the bike

  18. petrujviljoen permalink
    April 12, 2013 8:10 am

    I don’t mind the ‘years of cigarettes’. Personally I think it works. Lovely, realistic, believable story.

  19. Trudy permalink
    April 12, 2013 8:49 am

    Very realistic and well told, and I like ‘years of cigarettes’, it fits nicely here, but I’m no expert on grammar. πŸ™‚

  20. April 12, 2013 9:06 am

    “rumbles of agreement”–perfect. Ties their conversation in with the sound of motorcycle engines. Well done.

  21. April 12, 2013 10:43 am

    Reliving adventure with friends is one of the privileges of long friendships. I could feel their love and appreciation for their shared experiences.

  22. April 12, 2013 10:56 am

    Dave,
    This is one of your best… The conversation is so real I swear you were listening to some of my friends…Excellent Job. I did stumble on the cigarette line but I am not sure if you can change it to get that feel you were going for. Janet always has great suggestion about grammar but none of her lines worked for me either… perhaps this would work…Linda said β€œOne of my early pieces,” her voice years of cigarettes…. or Her voice years of cigarettes, Linda said ” one of my early pieces”. It’s just a rearrangement but whatever you do this is great. I am about to say it’s my favorite this week but that would be fair since I have not read them all. vb makes an excellent point but not only does “rumbles of agreement” tie the sound of the bike to the conversation it also fits the characters perfectly. Excellent just excellent!

    Tom

  23. April 12, 2013 10:57 am

    I meant to write not fair….

    • April 12, 2013 10:58 am

      would not be fair….coffee hasn’t kicked in. Where is Janet when I need her!

      • April 12, 2013 2:04 pm

        Hey, that happens to me even when I’m fully awake!

  24. April 12, 2013 4:37 pm

    I enjoyed the friends shooting the breeze with each other. It’s very realistic. I just had a hard time with the “years of cigarettes. I read over the line a few times because it just doesn’t flow smoothly. It’s a good description though and it’s just my opinion.

  25. April 13, 2013 7:50 am

    This conversation is so real, felt I was standing listening to them. Well done
    Dee

  26. April 13, 2013 11:43 am

    I really like your descriptive line; ‘her voice years of cigarettes.’
    I knew a gal who used to smoke four packs a day and quite cold turkey.

    Nice story. Thanks for your visit.

  27. April 14, 2013 9:01 pm

    Hells to the Yeah!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: